Let me try and explain - although I am not sure I completely understand myself. Before the transplant when I was on dialysis I had my protective emotional bubble working, I have developed this over my life time as a self protective system too (I think) prevent me from getting depressed and worried. Basically my mind and emotions can only go to a certain point and then I hit the emotional bubble that I don't let my brain enter - this region is a dangerous zone and would cause myself much sole searching and worrying. This bubble is easy to live in but does tend to keep people at a distance and tends to stop ambition and desire.
Now that I am getting back to "normal" I have to start re-exploring outside the emotional bubble. This is hard - it is almost like you have to recondition your mind and allow emotions and thoughts into your mind that you have not allowed for over 2 years - I realise that this can be difficult for some people around me.
Some people might say why go outside the bubble - well I know that life outside the bubble is more challenging but very necessary to live a normal life. At the moment everything outside the bubble seems to be "concentrated".
I think a good analogy is this. If you eat bland food for a week and then eat food with flavour the taste is so much stronger than when you were used to eating that food. This is what I am finding at the moment, that the challenges and paths I am setting myself at the moment seem to be highly significant and challenging to my emotions. I tell myself that I am less than 3 months from the transplant and all the treatment I went through but my drive to get going and propel my life forward in all directions is strong. It is a weird sensation and actually pretty tiring.
For me it is important to try and explain this as I am sure that many people will go through the same type of thing (and many people will do it). My aim is to try and use this time to establish a good path with a stable, happy mind.
When I was a child in hospital I always remember having this thought - that they can do anything to my body but it is the mind and mental state that is actually the most important thing to oneself.
If I separate myself from the above and look at it as an outsider I find it fascinating that one can condition your brain to operate within a bubble that can make you stay relaxed and happy but not receptive to the emotions, actions, drive and thoughts that occur outside the body. When you operate outside you actually find that you become sad, stressed etc a lot more than when you are in but you also get the good benefits of operating outside the bubble.
I am surprised that I have not written about this before as I actually believe it explains a massive amount about me. Good and bad!!
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